meeeeeeeeee

I almost explode in the LRT, just on that moment, if i was allowed to say or to react "abnormally". Luckily I was not. I wanna tell that I was emo right on that moment, without any reason. Perhaps because of the topics that were in discussion. I can only be one of the GANG, but not on my own.

While on the way walking back, I can't stop myself from thinking about my weird feeling recently. Why I always feel not so comfortable when I am getting around with people that I'm supposingly to be happy with? Hmm..maybe you will say that I "think too much". Well, I will not deny that it might be one of the reasons. So, how about the rest?

I starting to analyze myself and examine the purpose that I am living right now in this world. What is the purpose? I'm exist because of my family and someone I love, so what if one day I lost all of them? *touch wood* Does it mean I need to follow them as well?

So what if i'm here because of myself, then I should be more strong right? In order for me to be independent. But yet, I can't feel the strong inner "Self" of mine. I'm always the ONE in a family, SOMEBODY in a group of friends, and a PASSERBY in this world.

Okay, I have to clarify this, I'm not being negative thinking or pessimistic, so please don't put any judment or label on me. I just want to find out the reasons why I am being depressed and irritated because of all these small matters? There must be something that I keep it in the unconscious or pre-conscious stage. But what is it?

When I saw a family together, it reminds me of my own family and the time that I spent with them. i feel unhappy because it seemed like only happened in the past, and I wonder why i can't feel the same now. Perhaps, I SHOULD BE strong enough to take care of myself, to solve all the problem on my own, and to keep all the feeling to myself.

When I saw someone found his/her best friend forever, I kind of envy and wonder why I can't get one. Perhaps I do have, but that are still some barriers that I can't cross over. I think that is my problem, obviously.

I wonder...I wonder why I'm always the one who ask for more, and can't even balance myself. I want to keep all these things to myself, but I'm not strong enough. I will try, trust me. I don't want to depend on anyone else, the more I be dependent, the more I ask for. No one can ever accompany until the last day of your life.

When the elevator opened, frog was standing out there but he didn't notice I was inside. Was he kept to himself too much or I was just can be invisible sometimes?

I know I'm being loved by many people, I truly appreciate all of these.
It's time for me to change, to be better.